I cant expect life to carry on as usual. Even on the good weeks. I had almost realised this after work on Monday. Today however, not only was the point really driven home for me, I also realised that once this is over (assuming of course it is going to be over!), I cannot just brush myself off and carry on. I will have to start again. This is going to be the most difficult aspect of this horrible disease.
Continuing a job on a week in week out basis is just not feasible. I have had to allocate my daily duties to others over the last 2 months or so of hospitals and being just to tired to go to work. I have also had to hand over, or rather hand back, the reigns of 'overseeing'. I fought long and hard for these reigns and had just gotten them. Once they're gone they're gone. I will not fight another 6 years to get them back. I have been robbed of my hard earned reigns. More and more it is looking like I would be better off saying goodbye. You are proving yourself to be a worthy adversary Pacman. More than I had given you credit for.
Over the last month I have been following (not participating in, I never felt like I had anything of value to add) some fellow hodgers on a hodgkins lymphoma forum. They tell their stories, discuss treatments, whose tumor is bigger, whose doctor is lying, who is cured, who has relapsed and other intricacies that would not be remotely interesting were you not fighting the good fight also. One person was of particular interest to me, same age, same diagnosis, same stage, same treatment plan but she was 2 years ahead of me. Last night she died. Her husband put up a post to inform the others. Her initial treatment (ABVD - same as mine) seemed successful but she had a rapid relapse and over the course of the next two years of treatment slipped further into weakness.
Again, my work woes are shot back into perspective. I have been robbed of my job (albeit it meant more to me than most people's jobs would mean to them) and the benefits that come of all the effort I've put in but, as long as I come out of this at the other end, what harm is there in starting again. Who's to say that whatever new start I make won't make me happier than this path ever would have.
What, however, could I do with my time (in the good weeks, bad weeks will still be taken up with sleeping, vomiting, counting hairs as they fall, medicating, hand sanitising, being pricked with needles, poisoning, WINNING!) were I to give up work entirely? It would need to involve little to no physical activity, no situation that could increase chances of an infection, little concentration, little thought or intelligence, no repercussion for simply not doing it on a bad cancer day....hmmm.... (insert dad style 'job in government' joke here) that doesn't leave much.
Tomorrow is a hospital day anyway, I'll go to work on Friday and then I have a whole week to think about it. If only I were able to think. About anything else besides cancer that is. I seem to have an incredible gift for constant thought about that. Anyway, I leave you with a picture of the page I was reading today. I rubbed my eye and then looked back down at the page to see this.... so long little eyelashes, you will be sorely missed.....
.JPG)
Continuing a job on a week in week out basis is just not feasible. I have had to allocate my daily duties to others over the last 2 months or so of hospitals and being just to tired to go to work. I have also had to hand over, or rather hand back, the reigns of 'overseeing'. I fought long and hard for these reigns and had just gotten them. Once they're gone they're gone. I will not fight another 6 years to get them back. I have been robbed of my hard earned reigns. More and more it is looking like I would be better off saying goodbye. You are proving yourself to be a worthy adversary Pacman. More than I had given you credit for.
Over the last month I have been following (not participating in, I never felt like I had anything of value to add) some fellow hodgers on a hodgkins lymphoma forum. They tell their stories, discuss treatments, whose tumor is bigger, whose doctor is lying, who is cured, who has relapsed and other intricacies that would not be remotely interesting were you not fighting the good fight also. One person was of particular interest to me, same age, same diagnosis, same stage, same treatment plan but she was 2 years ahead of me. Last night she died. Her husband put up a post to inform the others. Her initial treatment (ABVD - same as mine) seemed successful but she had a rapid relapse and over the course of the next two years of treatment slipped further into weakness.
Again, my work woes are shot back into perspective. I have been robbed of my job (albeit it meant more to me than most people's jobs would mean to them) and the benefits that come of all the effort I've put in but, as long as I come out of this at the other end, what harm is there in starting again. Who's to say that whatever new start I make won't make me happier than this path ever would have.
What, however, could I do with my time (in the good weeks, bad weeks will still be taken up with sleeping, vomiting, counting hairs as they fall, medicating, hand sanitising, being pricked with needles, poisoning, WINNING!) were I to give up work entirely? It would need to involve little to no physical activity, no situation that could increase chances of an infection, little concentration, little thought or intelligence, no repercussion for simply not doing it on a bad cancer day....hmmm.... (insert dad style 'job in government' joke here) that doesn't leave much.
Tomorrow is a hospital day anyway, I'll go to work on Friday and then I have a whole week to think about it. If only I were able to think. About anything else besides cancer that is. I seem to have an incredible gift for constant thought about that. Anyway, I leave you with a picture of the page I was reading today. I rubbed my eye and then looked back down at the page to see this.... so long little eyelashes, you will be sorely missed.....
.JPG)
its often hard to look on the brightside when there doesn't seem to be one. sometimes it's only when we look back that this is possible.
ReplyDeletei'm a big believer that things happen for a reason and after a rubnish time in my life i took a different path and now things are great and it wouldn't be like this if it hadn't been for the horrid time.
you are a fighter and you have an awesomly inspiring and positive outlook. you can beat this.
stay strong. thinking of you
sarah
x
This doesnt define you Sona. Youre still Sona, youre still "doing it all backwards and in heels" Sona and that wont change.... handing back reigns doesnt put you back at square one or cancel out 6 years' work - by the time youre back to 110% you will have learnt so much about yourelf, the people around you and all that perspective, and be able to bring more to what you love to do. This isnt a pause in an otherwise solid career... this is a detour to Coalinga... yes its not what you would have asked for but youll be sure of the value of it (in one way or another) afterwards.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you sweetheart. I fully second the other two comments above. You're strong Sona, and what ever path this journey takes you on, it'll open up a whole new World of opportunity and the World will be your oyster. Love you hun Xxx
ReplyDelete10,000 followers/views? I call that an impressive reign so far in your new kingdom and the battle with Pacman. If the reins of your other world-of-work are in good hands it leaves you free to be the writer you are.. Pacman or no Pacman. You are inspiring me every day Sona.. for which many thanks. I wish you well.. literally.
ReplyDelete