Someone else I know who is still in treatment for a different type of cancer and has been for many years, said this to me recently - that everyone who has gone through cancer treatment will spend the next while living 'scan to scan'.
I am now 10 months out of chemo. I have a great head of hair, and hair in all the other places I never wanted it. My lungs are very much improved. My neuropathy will still wake me up at night and the ear ringing drives me crazy at times but I will gladly and easily live with these reminders of the treatment that saved my life. However, there is not one day, or one hour that passes without thinking of relapse. That feeling when you remember something really important that you've forgotten and your stomach does that little flip - it's like that all the time. Working at a desk - stomach flip. Reading a book - stomach flip. Smiling at the dogs playing in the sprinkler - stomach flip. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from miserable sitting around thinking about it all the time and it certainly doesn't cause me to lose sleep (that's the neuropathy) but it's still always there making everything seem just a little bit worse but also a just little bit better.
How to really move on is the current dilemma and it's one that is not often talked about in the cancer world. I'm no fan of the cancer warrior/battle imagery as I have mentioned before but I am starting to think that the real 'battle' is what comes afterwards. Does it just dissipate in time? Will I one day be able to say that Mr. Hodgkins hasn't crossed my mind for a week? A month? Maybe. Hopefully. In the meantime though I am very conscious of the inclination to wish your life away - live scan to scan- waste that life that you worked so hard to keep. I'm 10 months down with 14 months and counting to be out of the high risk relapse danger zone. My next scan is in September. If someone has some suggestions for ways to not wish those 14 months away please let me know. On the other hand, being so conscious of time means you are more inclined to make the most of each day/week/month. Ever think 'wow I can't believe the year is over half way done, it's July already'?? Well if you were counting months away you wouldn't- I'm being extra productive and loving it!
So, mental anguish as above aside I'm doing fantastic! We have had a new addition to our crazy little pack in the form of a 9 week old springer spaniel X beagle puppy who jumps, eats, burps and runs like no creature I have ever seen. He must average around 4 hours sleep out of every 24 which means we average 3. There are few things that can bring joy to the soul like a puppy. Joy to the soul, pee to the floor, holes to your clothes, scratches to your face, bags to your eyes and destruction to your house and garden. But I wouldn't change him for the world. I will never forget the comfort that Louie the beagle brought to 2012 a.k.a. the year of the couch. If I relapse I will now have double comfort, if I don't double fun.
In terms of this blog I am finding it amazing that it still receives 100-200 page views a day despite 3 measly posts in 6 months. There are plenty out there still enduring treatment obviously. Keep at it! There might be a bit of craziness at the other end but one day soon the wind will blow and your hair will fall into your eyes and a huge smile will cross your face when it occurs to you that it's been 2 years since that happened and it will be the best feeling ever...
I am now 10 months out of chemo. I have a great head of hair, and hair in all the other places I never wanted it. My lungs are very much improved. My neuropathy will still wake me up at night and the ear ringing drives me crazy at times but I will gladly and easily live with these reminders of the treatment that saved my life. However, there is not one day, or one hour that passes without thinking of relapse. That feeling when you remember something really important that you've forgotten and your stomach does that little flip - it's like that all the time. Working at a desk - stomach flip. Reading a book - stomach flip. Smiling at the dogs playing in the sprinkler - stomach flip. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from miserable sitting around thinking about it all the time and it certainly doesn't cause me to lose sleep (that's the neuropathy) but it's still always there making everything seem just a little bit worse but also a just little bit better.
How to really move on is the current dilemma and it's one that is not often talked about in the cancer world. I'm no fan of the cancer warrior/battle imagery as I have mentioned before but I am starting to think that the real 'battle' is what comes afterwards. Does it just dissipate in time? Will I one day be able to say that Mr. Hodgkins hasn't crossed my mind for a week? A month? Maybe. Hopefully. In the meantime though I am very conscious of the inclination to wish your life away - live scan to scan- waste that life that you worked so hard to keep. I'm 10 months down with 14 months and counting to be out of the high risk relapse danger zone. My next scan is in September. If someone has some suggestions for ways to not wish those 14 months away please let me know. On the other hand, being so conscious of time means you are more inclined to make the most of each day/week/month. Ever think 'wow I can't believe the year is over half way done, it's July already'?? Well if you were counting months away you wouldn't- I'm being extra productive and loving it!
So, mental anguish as above aside I'm doing fantastic! We have had a new addition to our crazy little pack in the form of a 9 week old springer spaniel X beagle puppy who jumps, eats, burps and runs like no creature I have ever seen. He must average around 4 hours sleep out of every 24 which means we average 3. There are few things that can bring joy to the soul like a puppy. Joy to the soul, pee to the floor, holes to your clothes, scratches to your face, bags to your eyes and destruction to your house and garden. But I wouldn't change him for the world. I will never forget the comfort that Louie the beagle brought to 2012 a.k.a. the year of the couch. If I relapse I will now have double comfort, if I don't double fun.
In terms of this blog I am finding it amazing that it still receives 100-200 page views a day despite 3 measly posts in 6 months. There are plenty out there still enduring treatment obviously. Keep at it! There might be a bit of craziness at the other end but one day soon the wind will blow and your hair will fall into your eyes and a huge smile will cross your face when it occurs to you that it's been 2 years since that happened and it will be the best feeling ever...
