This illness takes a lot of, ok most, options away from you. Most of the time you feel utterly helpless. Watching and waiting for results while all your energy is spent literally surviving and trying to enjoy the precious moments where you feel healthy. Never though had I thought that maybe this was a good thing. Maybe this process would be a lot worse if I'd have had choices.
I wasn't given the choice of egg freezing in case my fertility is lost due to chemo - I didn't have the time. I wasn't given a treatment choice, a hospital choice, a doctor choice. I didn't have a choice in continuing to work, or how often I would receive my poison. It all just kind of happened around me. Imagine how difficult it would have been, and how unhealthy for my mind, if I had to make a decision on each of this points while trying to process the monumental blow of a cancer diagnosis to begin with.
This week however, I have a decision to make. My hair is falling out hard and fast. My plan was to make an appointment today to have it shaved tomorrow. They are closed today. I couldn't make an appointment. So, now I have more time to obsess. Would it be better to wait another week or so? Which is worse, watching your hair falling out or taking matters into your own hands and shaving it off? I had always said I would shave it off. I'm faltering now though. If I can just have a few more days of looking normal. The cancer equivalent of 5 more minutes. Delay the inevitable. The fact of the matter is that I'll be bald soon anyway so either way it really doesn't matter, it just made me realise how nice it was to have no choice. Sounds weird. But the difficulty in choice is ultimately the fear of regret. If you had no choice, you can never regret.
Got 2 packages from postie today. Well not FROM him, but he's been delivering so many packages here I'm kind of surprised he hasn't started to join in and send me some himself. I don't like mentioning names on the blog so I wont, you know who you are.
First was a delivery of hats/ pre tied headscarves from the other side of the world. Very fitting given my current dilemma! I haven't seen the sender in years but at one time would have considered her a very close friend. What a lovely thing to do. I hope, when this is all over, we can catch up. If there's one thing this is teaching me it's that those lost and far away friends are precious. Even people you barely knew can, and do, change a bad day to a good day. Thank you for being so thoughtful.
Second was from another long lost group, at one time they really were like my family. A major regret I've always had is that I never kept up with them. Overnight they went from being a huge part of my life to not there at all (my fault) and I miss them. Thank you for the great tshirt- another contender for next week's chemo session! And that card is going on the wall....brilliant. Pictures are below so you can all see how awesome this family are. Thanks guys, his ass will indeed be kicked. HARD!
To the rest of you, enjoy this sunny Monday! I've spent the morning window shopping and coffee-ing with one of my bestest buds, looking at all the things I'm going to buy when I'm well enough to re-enter society full time, am working and deflate after my 6 month relationship with Mr. Steroid (He sounds a lot sexier than he is). Tomorrow is 'ladies what lunch and get mani's' day with my lady of leisure mother. Thank god for ladies of leisure or I don't know what I'd be doing with myself. Cancer doesn't need to be a curse. 6 months of being a lady of leisure every second week ain't so bad :)
I wasn't given the choice of egg freezing in case my fertility is lost due to chemo - I didn't have the time. I wasn't given a treatment choice, a hospital choice, a doctor choice. I didn't have a choice in continuing to work, or how often I would receive my poison. It all just kind of happened around me. Imagine how difficult it would have been, and how unhealthy for my mind, if I had to make a decision on each of this points while trying to process the monumental blow of a cancer diagnosis to begin with.
This week however, I have a decision to make. My hair is falling out hard and fast. My plan was to make an appointment today to have it shaved tomorrow. They are closed today. I couldn't make an appointment. So, now I have more time to obsess. Would it be better to wait another week or so? Which is worse, watching your hair falling out or taking matters into your own hands and shaving it off? I had always said I would shave it off. I'm faltering now though. If I can just have a few more days of looking normal. The cancer equivalent of 5 more minutes. Delay the inevitable. The fact of the matter is that I'll be bald soon anyway so either way it really doesn't matter, it just made me realise how nice it was to have no choice. Sounds weird. But the difficulty in choice is ultimately the fear of regret. If you had no choice, you can never regret.
Got 2 packages from postie today. Well not FROM him, but he's been delivering so many packages here I'm kind of surprised he hasn't started to join in and send me some himself. I don't like mentioning names on the blog so I wont, you know who you are.
First was a delivery of hats/ pre tied headscarves from the other side of the world. Very fitting given my current dilemma! I haven't seen the sender in years but at one time would have considered her a very close friend. What a lovely thing to do. I hope, when this is all over, we can catch up. If there's one thing this is teaching me it's that those lost and far away friends are precious. Even people you barely knew can, and do, change a bad day to a good day. Thank you for being so thoughtful.
Second was from another long lost group, at one time they really were like my family. A major regret I've always had is that I never kept up with them. Overnight they went from being a huge part of my life to not there at all (my fault) and I miss them. Thank you for the great tshirt- another contender for next week's chemo session! And that card is going on the wall....brilliant. Pictures are below so you can all see how awesome this family are. Thanks guys, his ass will indeed be kicked. HARD!
To the rest of you, enjoy this sunny Monday! I've spent the morning window shopping and coffee-ing with one of my bestest buds, looking at all the things I'm going to buy when I'm well enough to re-enter society full time, am working and deflate after my 6 month relationship with Mr. Steroid (He sounds a lot sexier than he is). Tomorrow is 'ladies what lunch and get mani's' day with my lady of leisure mother. Thank god for ladies of leisure or I don't know what I'd be doing with myself. Cancer doesn't need to be a curse. 6 months of being a lady of leisure every second week ain't so bad :)
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