Yesterday, after my happy 'this is going to be a great day' post in the morning, turned out to be the scariest day I've had so far. My hair started falling out. Properly. Fellow newly-
diagnosed cancerers far and wide need to be aware of the distinction
between what you IMAGINE to be hair falling out (a few extra hairs
coming out in the shower, when you brush, a few extra hairs on the
pillow which I've been having since 5 days after chemo 1) and what is ACTUALLY hair falling out ( 10% of your head hair in
your hand as you remove the hair tie from your ponytail). No matter how
much you know, you prepare, you plan, you wait for your hair to come
out, you will never be ready.
Holding a handful of your own curls is indescribable ( I imagine however that it's similar to holding a handful of your own straight hair). I dropped it in the sink and backed away from it as if it was going to jump back out and bite me. Then I screamed for Nick to come look. 'What is it?' ...'Oh'
He hugged me. I kept running my fingers through, taking 20 hairs each time. It just came away at the slightest touch. I realised it wasn't going to stop and as long as I was pulling, it was going to keep coming out. The doorbell rang, I put a scarf over it and went to lunch and then to walk the dog. When I got back I took off the scarf. More handfuls of hair, one after another. More tears. How cruel this disease is. As if the rest of it wasn't enough now it has to take the stupid curls I've hated as long as I can remember in some sort of sick 'be careful what you wish for' lesson. Way to kick me when I'm down pacman.
People (2 months ago I would have included myself in this) , think its vanity. Or superficial. it will grow back right? Right. Doesn't make it feel any better though. It's the least of your worries right? Wrong. It's traumatic. A daily/ hourly/ minutely reminder that you're not normal, you're sick. Very very sick. I would have said these things to a friend in this situation. Don't worry, it will grow back, wigs are really good these days, I bet you'll really be able to pull off scarves. All meant as helpful, kind, comforting words. Advice from someone who has been on the other side? Give them a hug and tell them you'll still love them when they look like uncle Fester. That's all they really need to hear.
To add salt to the wound- its not just psychological. I had no idea how uncomfortable it would be. It's hot, itchy and sensitive. It hurts when my hair moves. Not badly, about a one on the pain scale. Still very present though, lest you forget. Nobody told me this. Also hair falling means hair falling everywhere- in your food, into your mouth, into your eyes, down inside your clothes, everywhere. One day it's there, the next day it's ( or at least a large chunk of it's) not. I wonder if it's just me and other peoples hair loss is more gradual? Surely someone somewhere would have warned me about this day otherwise?
So, what to do? Throw on a scarf and gather a support group for a slap up meal. I cried most of the way to the restaurant. Then told myself that's enough. This is the way I am now and I better get used to it. For a while. On Tuesday (they don't open tomorrow) I'll go get my head shaved and pick up my 'piece'. Each tear is letting this illness win. It won't win. I may however cry a little bit when it's not looking. Shhhhh. But think of all the money I'll save on shampoo. One less thing to worry about buying in travel size for ryanair flights. Hmmm...can you tell I'm struggling to find upsides? My family, friends, Nick and Louie will still love me when I look like uncle Fester, and I just had calamari, lobster, crayfish and monkfish while looking at this....who says I'm unlucky?
In other news of yesterday, I heard of a woman who I have never met who has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer and somehow came across this blog through google alone. It made her feel better. Job done. I am determined that something positive will come of all this. As Elie Wiesel said, whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty. I will survive the test and I will tell the story. I really hope it helps someone else facing their own test.
Holding a handful of your own curls is indescribable ( I imagine however that it's similar to holding a handful of your own straight hair). I dropped it in the sink and backed away from it as if it was going to jump back out and bite me. Then I screamed for Nick to come look. 'What is it?' ...'Oh'
He hugged me. I kept running my fingers through, taking 20 hairs each time. It just came away at the slightest touch. I realised it wasn't going to stop and as long as I was pulling, it was going to keep coming out. The doorbell rang, I put a scarf over it and went to lunch and then to walk the dog. When I got back I took off the scarf. More handfuls of hair, one after another. More tears. How cruel this disease is. As if the rest of it wasn't enough now it has to take the stupid curls I've hated as long as I can remember in some sort of sick 'be careful what you wish for' lesson. Way to kick me when I'm down pacman.
People (2 months ago I would have included myself in this) , think its vanity. Or superficial. it will grow back right? Right. Doesn't make it feel any better though. It's the least of your worries right? Wrong. It's traumatic. A daily/ hourly/ minutely reminder that you're not normal, you're sick. Very very sick. I would have said these things to a friend in this situation. Don't worry, it will grow back, wigs are really good these days, I bet you'll really be able to pull off scarves. All meant as helpful, kind, comforting words. Advice from someone who has been on the other side? Give them a hug and tell them you'll still love them when they look like uncle Fester. That's all they really need to hear.
To add salt to the wound- its not just psychological. I had no idea how uncomfortable it would be. It's hot, itchy and sensitive. It hurts when my hair moves. Not badly, about a one on the pain scale. Still very present though, lest you forget. Nobody told me this. Also hair falling means hair falling everywhere- in your food, into your mouth, into your eyes, down inside your clothes, everywhere. One day it's there, the next day it's ( or at least a large chunk of it's) not. I wonder if it's just me and other peoples hair loss is more gradual? Surely someone somewhere would have warned me about this day otherwise?
So, what to do? Throw on a scarf and gather a support group for a slap up meal. I cried most of the way to the restaurant. Then told myself that's enough. This is the way I am now and I better get used to it. For a while. On Tuesday (they don't open tomorrow) I'll go get my head shaved and pick up my 'piece'. Each tear is letting this illness win. It won't win. I may however cry a little bit when it's not looking. Shhhhh. But think of all the money I'll save on shampoo. One less thing to worry about buying in travel size for ryanair flights. Hmmm...can you tell I'm struggling to find upsides? My family, friends, Nick and Louie will still love me when I look like uncle Fester, and I just had calamari, lobster, crayfish and monkfish while looking at this....who says I'm unlucky?
In other news of yesterday, I heard of a woman who I have never met who has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer and somehow came across this blog through google alone. It made her feel better. Job done. I am determined that something positive will come of all this. As Elie Wiesel said, whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty. I will survive the test and I will tell the story. I really hope it helps someone else facing their own test.
my beautiful friend- hair or no hair. you are beautiful inside and out. thank god you have a pretty face :) thats another upside to add to your list!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that it is all happening so suddenly Sona. You are a gorgeous girl. Who couldn't love a face like that. Keep it up. You are doing fantastically. xx
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, people say all of the wrong things about hair loss. I have finished three ABVD treatments and my hair has reached the point of no return. I wish my friends and family would stop telling me that it will look ok, we all know that it won't, and just tell me that they'll ignore my crazy new look.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this.
Hi Brit, if it's any consolation I shaved my head 3 days after writing this post and it was such a relief to get rid of it! I'm getting used to scarves and actually prefer them to the wig. I obviously don't think I LOOK good bald, but it is strangely nice not to have to worry about hair styling :) I am now also in between my 3rd and 4th treatment. I would love to hear your story if you'd like to email me sona_111@hotmail.com , we can compare cancer tales!
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