You've never noticed how much you use your hands until the skin on the palms of your hands stops regrowing at the rate it should. My hands are raw, sensitive to temperature, touch and constantly burning. Showering is difficult, the hot water hurts.
Round 2 has been completely free of the dreaded GI effects of chemo like nausea, vomiting, constipation that I experienced so strongly after round 1. I think that however may have been easier. Instead, I am aching all over, my muscles throbbing as if I've been carrying out some form of strenuous exercise for a week straight (not that I know what this would feel like, but I can imagine it hurts). My hands however are the most troublesome. Right now I'm typing with my nails (thank god the nails are unaffected so far!). Grass is always greener I suppose, I would have happily traded for sore hands when I was living in pukepoint HQ.
The cruel part of this disease, or rather treatment for this disease, is that it leaves you in limbo. A constant battle between mind and body. I'm not out of it enough to want to sleep and sit for days at a time, but I'm too out of it to do anything else. My mind wants to act normally, my body won't hear of it. I don't recognise myself in the mirror. I look tired, bloated, pale, dark circles under my eyes, seriously thinning hair. I don't look the way I do in my mind. It makes me think this is what it must be like to grow old - your body failing you, your appearance changing beyond recognition.
I will put up with it all, and more, as long as it works. That's the worst part - not knowing if it's going to work. Nothing to do, no energy to do it and too much time to think. The alternative is unthinkable. In the chemo ward on Tuesday I was talking to some other patients regarding insomnia and depression. I was the only one not on sleeping tablets and anti-depressants. I was however also the only one who was new to chemo. One woman was 8/12 done and one was 6/9 done. It won't happen to me. My body is weak but my mind is strong. Well, stubborn. I'm nothing if not stubborn. Tomorrow will be different. Better.
What is not so certain is whether or not you all can avoid anti-depressants after reading this post - WOW this is a depressing one. I do try to keep the blog positive. I also however, as you know, keep it honest. Nick says it's good that I'm feeling the effects of chemo so strongly - proof that it's destroying everything in my body, pacman by default. Easy for him to say. I see the logic though, I'd be seriously worried if I felt perfect.
The new plan - break the 12 treatments and 6 months into more manageable chunks. Having experienced 2, the 12 is seeming unachievable. I am now therefore halfway to my 2 month scan instead of 2/12 done. Only 2 more chemo's to go!
Round 2 has been completely free of the dreaded GI effects of chemo like nausea, vomiting, constipation that I experienced so strongly after round 1. I think that however may have been easier. Instead, I am aching all over, my muscles throbbing as if I've been carrying out some form of strenuous exercise for a week straight (not that I know what this would feel like, but I can imagine it hurts). My hands however are the most troublesome. Right now I'm typing with my nails (thank god the nails are unaffected so far!). Grass is always greener I suppose, I would have happily traded for sore hands when I was living in pukepoint HQ.
The cruel part of this disease, or rather treatment for this disease, is that it leaves you in limbo. A constant battle between mind and body. I'm not out of it enough to want to sleep and sit for days at a time, but I'm too out of it to do anything else. My mind wants to act normally, my body won't hear of it. I don't recognise myself in the mirror. I look tired, bloated, pale, dark circles under my eyes, seriously thinning hair. I don't look the way I do in my mind. It makes me think this is what it must be like to grow old - your body failing you, your appearance changing beyond recognition.
I will put up with it all, and more, as long as it works. That's the worst part - not knowing if it's going to work. Nothing to do, no energy to do it and too much time to think. The alternative is unthinkable. In the chemo ward on Tuesday I was talking to some other patients regarding insomnia and depression. I was the only one not on sleeping tablets and anti-depressants. I was however also the only one who was new to chemo. One woman was 8/12 done and one was 6/9 done. It won't happen to me. My body is weak but my mind is strong. Well, stubborn. I'm nothing if not stubborn. Tomorrow will be different. Better.
What is not so certain is whether or not you all can avoid anti-depressants after reading this post - WOW this is a depressing one. I do try to keep the blog positive. I also however, as you know, keep it honest. Nick says it's good that I'm feeling the effects of chemo so strongly - proof that it's destroying everything in my body, pacman by default. Easy for him to say. I see the logic though, I'd be seriously worried if I felt perfect.
The new plan - break the 12 treatments and 6 months into more manageable chunks. Having experienced 2, the 12 is seeming unachievable. I am now therefore halfway to my 2 month scan instead of 2/12 done. Only 2 more chemo's to go!
Sona, stay strong your doing brilliantly, we're all behind you. Tomorrow will be a better day xxx
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