While I sit here, awaiting this call I can't help thinking about utterly insignificant every other set of results I have awaited in my life was in comparison and how for the most part now I can't even remember what they were when I finally received them. And how unimportant was every phone call I anxiously awaited. I am so much more nervous about this than I was even when I awaited my diagnosis and stage. Maybe now because I have a clearer understanding of just what that diagnosis meant for me and how much I really really REALLY want it all to end.
As promised this is a picture of my picc line. This tube will hang from my arm for the rest of my treatment. As it stands this means until October. A delay would mean its there until Christmas. I'm not sure I would have ever been able to understand just how terrible a thought it is to have this hanging out of your arm for months on end.
All this being said, at least in these cases the amount of time is finite. The real fear is that I'll be told it's not working sufficiently and it's time for plan B. I won't go into plan B right now but suffice to say plan B is not pretty.
I'm torn between staying positive and trying not to build up my hopes. Doesn't help that I'm still in chemo fog and so can't get out to take my mind off it. Instead, I'll carry on like other fog days. I'll wrap up my new tubular buddy, have a very uncomfortable luke warm shower, force down some toast and a handful of pills and go to the couch and wait for it to be Saturday so I'll feel almost human again, thus concluding chemo number 5. Horraaay! Another one nearly over. But how many more will there be??? Tune in tonight to find out :)
Sona,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog on Tuesday through a friend from college, I have to say your words are some of the most courageous, inspiring and insightful I have ever read, and they're spreading like wildfire around the internet. I know that your positivity and determination brings huge strength and support to others in similar situations, and you've certainly inspired me. Hope today brings you the best possible results, and you will see the back of monsieur le Pac as soon as possible. In the meantime, I hope there will be lots of positives to keep you going & get you through the bad days. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you good health.
"We acquire the strength we have overcome." -Ralph Waldo Emerson. Stay strong, I know you will beat this. x