I'm back!

I can assure you I am in fact alive. The last 4 days was the longest I have gone without blogging since my diagnosis. It has also been the toughest 4 days yet. I have not felt much worse physically than other days, still nauseous, still tired, still counting the seconds until it all ends. This time, the problem was in my mind. It has been a dark few days.

Chemo on Tuesday was tough, it was a long long day. I had a couple of collapsed veins mid-drip meaning we had to start again a couple of times. Back into the hot water trying to make another viable vein (of which I am fast running out) come to the surface. Eventually they got a needle into my knuckle and it held strong for the rest of the poisoning. This was tough, in the knuckle just seems wrong! I don't think that's what did it though, I don't know what caused the mini depression I slipped into. Maybe the thoughts of 4 more months like this, 8 more chemo's. Maybe the effects are starting to hit me harder, no such thing as a full recovery anymore as that concept from round 1 is long gone. Even my good days aren't perfect anymore. I still need that little bit more rest, still get out of breath that little bit faster, still randomly feel nauseous for a few minutes and then there's the never ending hiccups which you wouldn't think would be an issue but are really starting to bug me! Suffice to say (I am completely ashamed to admit this) it entered my head this week that I should stop treatment, that dying would be better. I now see why every other warrior in that ward is on anti-depressants.

BUT, and this is why I waited to write this post, it's over. I am back. In 7 days I get another PET/CT scan. This shows where in my body there are cancerous cells. This will show whether this is working. I know it's working, I can barely feel anything in my neck anymore, even when really trying. The chest and armpit issues disappeared after round 1 so I know they're long gone by now. I am SO looking forward to this scan. It's like an exam I know I studied really really hard for (hmmm, not that I know what that feels like, was always pretty damn lazy) and just KNOW I'm going to ace.

Positives keeping me going this week? I got Louie back from my parents on Friday (they take him for a couple of days over chemo, it's better for him and me, he's pretty demanding!). I've taken him to the park twice this weekend (both times requiring a rest afterwards but they were more than enough to bring a grin to my face). I'm so glad I have him, the therapeutic effects of a lovable pooch should not be underestimated. For those who love dogs I suppose. Probably wouldn't do much for a Cynophobia sufferer, which google has just informed me is a person with an abnormal fear of dogs. Thank you google. Nick is amazing as ever. I also still have all my eyebrows and my remaining head hair (think I'm at about 50% gone) has taken enough of a spurt that it needs a trim in places, this shows me my body is still going. Even with 2 months (can't believe its been 2 months) of chemo behind me I'm still in the game hair-wise. Most of all, I'm one third of the way through this ordeal which will soon be a memory. A story I tell at parties to make people feel guilty for complaining about their bad hair day, or hard day at work! "You think that's bad? Once I got cancer".

Some more requests, once again on the hair front, for photo's of what I now look like sans-wig. Photo here for all you morbidly curious people, those of you ballsy enough to ask and those of you who wish you were! Sexy eh? Have to say, still haven't found the hair loss to be as traumatic as it is for most people. So many people say it was the hardest part of cancer. Maybe it helps that I always hated my hair anyway? I don't know. I do really REALLY want it to come back though. Please note jaw line on left hand side. HORRAY!!

Still shocks me to look in the mirror. That photo really doesn't look the way I look in my head!! Then again, does anyone?

This morning Louie came up to the bedroom for his morning cuddles, same as he does every morning. He goes straight to Nick's side of the bed, knowing there's far better chance of attention over there. As Nick does his good morning greetings, Louie taunts me in his usual Ahahaha Nick prefers me to you way....I even caught this one on camera. Tell me that's not a taunting face! Tongue out an everything. He's lucky I love him. And so is Louie.

I'm sorry to everyone I worried this week, falling off the radar like I did. I'm alive, well and ready to keep fighting. Pacman is feeling MUCH rougher than I am. Thank you all for noticing I was temporarily MIA.