Exactly 24 hours since I heard the news that my treatment is a success, I won't be dying (from cancer) this year and, while the clean scan yesterday is all I've wanted since day 1 of this ordeal, I'm not as elated as I thought I would be. Obviously I'm delighted, relieved and thankful but I can't understand why I'm not jumping up and down. I feel ungrateful even saying that. The blog is about honesty however so here goes, don't judge me!!
My theory is that this is still not over. The tube is still in my arm and will be for another 40 days while I receive my last 3 chemos. Today, I have to give myself the first of the injections that last time left me a crying ball, writhing in pain as my poor boyfriend tried to lift what is now, thanks to the steroids, an even heavier version of me into the bath to see did heat help at all. I am still in for 3 more sessions on my good week bad week cycle. (better than 7 more sessions, I know)
The biggest concern I have however is the notion of reducing my treatments. This is a horrible battle in my mind- do I want to do 2 less months of chemo? Obviously, goes without saying. My 6 month schedule was leaving me in this horrible state until October- ending in July is like someone has just given me a get out of jail free card. But, what if I need those extra months to get rid of this for good. This comes back to the art of medicine, nobody really knows for sure. There are 3 options for someone with a clean 2 month scan with my particular type of lymphoma- 2 more months chemo, 2 months chemo and 1 month daily radiation, 4 more months chemo. The riskiest on the 'will it come back' scale obviously being the first one- my one. This is a cancer you want to beat first time. If it returns, I have a 50/50 chance of being cured with a stem cell transplant. I don't like 50/50. But, you have to balance it with potential over treatment this time (by adding radiation or more chemos that I don't need) which would reduce my chances of survival next time. See the dilemma? It would drive you mad thinking about it!!
But, for now I need to not worry about this and instead celebrate my 'medical marvel' status of yesterday. Today I have emerged from the chemo fog and have a great day of fancy lunch, doggie walks and evening BBQ in the wonderful Irish rain to enjoy.
The best part about yesterday was how much it really hammered home how many amazing people there are in my life. Such heartfelt joy from so so many people, some of whom I dont even know. Amazing. Life is good :)
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