Being in my head this week

This good week is being more or less consumed by my frantic searching for more information regarding stopping chemo early. Also, I'm starting to wonder if there's any such thing as a good week anymore. It's definitely a better week, but I still don't feel well. Very tired, very out of breath and feel like sleeping most of the time. I guess it's just the 2-3 months of chemo catching up on me. When I feel like this I definitely lean towards stopping chemo early. Then my 'what if' head kicks in and I'm right back to googling hodgkins trials to see what the outcomes of 4 months chemo have been. It's becoming an obsession. I have to stop.

Today, I'm going to the hospital to have my beloved (GRRRR) Picc line flushed (cleaned) and bandages changed to help reduce the chance of infection. I'm going to see if I can grill them on the 4 vs 6 debate a bit and get their final recommendation. I'm then going to go with that. I've never studied medicine, I should leave the treatment decisions to those who have.

I had a great night out last night, a catch up with girls from work. They commented on how much better I look now than I did before I was diagnosed. Once again, they've confirmed how sick I really was and was just too blind to see. I'm looking forward to how well I feel a few months out of chemo. Soon, soon. I really really miss 'normal'.

I can't imagine however, that you could go through something like this and then simply slot back into life as usual afterwards. Without sounding dramatic, a cancer diagnosis, maybe more so when so young, changes your perspective. In a way, it takes your innocence. The naivety and invincibility of youth.  You are forced to face your own mortality. The fact that you will not live forever and moreover may not even live 5 more years. This forces your mind to prioritise. Ok, I'm on a time limit here, however long it may be, the end will come. The mentality of 'Ahhh we'll do that when we retire' suddenly seems very foolish. On the other hand, I wasn't unhappy before, I was happy. So what, if anything, should I be changing?

I know one thing for sure, there are number of things I will never again take for granted once I'm back to 'normal' whatever my new normal may be:

• My digestive system
• The ability to roll over in bed without panting afterwards due to exertion
• Nose hair which catches 'drips' before they fall out and hit the table I'm sitting at
• Eyelashes, eyebrows and hair in general
• Having full use of both arms and no tubes hanging off me
• The fact that most days don't involve extended periods of uncontrollable hiccups
• Not having to stick my remaining eyebrow hairs down with vaseline so they don't stick outwards like a crazy aristocratic professor
• Going full days without things getting in my eye
• The ability to function on less than 14 hours sleep
• Having no form of ache or pain for weeks at a time
• Having the ability to plan more than a day in advance, knowing chances are I will be well that day
• Being able to think of something, anything besides cancer, chemo, side effects, prognosis blah blah blah blah
• Having a better paid and more interesting full time job than 'cancer patient'
• Being able to say 'remember that time I had cancer?'