How do I feel?

Firstly, WOW. Wow wow wow. Thank you all so much for the messages, emails, calls, thoughts and kind wishes. If I sat here til C-Day ( thats what I've decided to call Tuesday for chemo day, I think I miss D-Day, here's to you D-Day) I wouldn't be able to respond to each one. Please know that I read, appreciated, and cried my eyes out through over 100 facebook messages, comments, texts messages and emails this morning alone. You are all amazing.

Everyone keeps asking how it feels, not the physical effects, the psychological effects. I think I tend to be a positive person, I see how situations could be worse, I am grateful for the small mercies. I never took any experience I had for granted. There is purpose in every experience good and bad. I will not deny though that the last month has been a roller coaster.

Last night I cancelled an amazing trip Nick and I were due to go on in 2 weeks. I bought it for him for his birthday. That's depressing. Really depressing. It's like normal life, fun life, has been put on hold and replaced with cancer life. This is a strange feeling, like I'm gone and been replaced by an interim version of me who will finish off 2012 for me. I don't like this feeling. Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on the holiday. Next year, when it is all over, I'm going traveling again. I had always intended to go again but I got stuck in the rut of life. Life is too fragile and unpredictable to do the 'maybe next year' thing. Next year, I'm going.

There are moments of sheer panic. When for a split seconds it hits you, I could die from this. I wont. I know I wont. But people do. However, more recover. When I hit panic I go into the logical mode that so many of you know in me - this has, since day 1, been explained to me as 'the one to get'. The 'nicest cancer' - 90% chance of full recovery in 6 months. After that, 70% chance it wont come back. I like those odds. Panic over.

All along, fear of the unknown has been the biggest stress factor. What could it be, what will the open biopsy feel like and how big will my scar be, what will the bone marrow biopsy feel like (I shudder when I remember!!) , what will my treatment be, what are my chances. Once these things pass I forget them, onto the next. Now it's how will I react to Chemo. Some people carry on a near normal life - continuing to work and just sleeping more. Some people are knocked down instantly. My treatment plan is weird in that its 6 months of chemo - most chemo plans are shorter. The effects of chemo on the body are cumulative, each time a little worse than before. I need to start strong! Once I get going, that fear will be gone and I can go back to the hair loss fear!

I don't feel like I thought I would feel, I don't feel unlucky or hard done by. I feel that 1 in 3 of us are getting cancer, I got mine early when I'm strong enough to fight. I am also in the strong minority of lymphoma sufferers whose cancer caused pain. Without pain I would never have gone to the doctor that day. Without going to the doctor, and without treatment I would now have 5-6 months to live and I wouldn't know it. I also got 'the nice cancer'. I also got it in a country that means my treatment, despite having no insurance, will be 100% free meaning I will not be left with financial burdens at the other end.  None of this is unlucky, its really really lucky. Someone's looking down on me. We're all getting something, some illness, some hardship - nobody's life is plain sailing. If this is all the hardship I get then bring it on, I'll get it out of the way now :)

Last night I had the first full, restful, instant and unassisted nights sleep I've had in 3 weeks. My symptoms seem less. My cough is subsiding, the blockage in my throat feels smaller, my neck and arms move freely. How is this possible? This morning it hit me. This is purely a psychological battle. The chemo will kill the cancer, the rest is in my head. I have a plan, I'm working towards it, I'm calm, the physical signs lessen. Amazing. The mind is a powerful tool and is going to be my best friend or worst enemy. I need to make sure its the former.

Today is wig day (W-Day just doesn't have any ring to it). I will choose something that looks as close as possible to my hair and get it fitted. When/if (face it Sona, its when, its happening) my hair starts coming out I can call them, they'll get it ready for me and even shave my head. Nick is off the hook! They'll style it there and then and thats it, no more ghd for a year....its like I've been given the gift of time!

First though, time for work....thanks again for all the love, you're awesome. xxxx