Twas the night before chemo and all round the house.... Ok I dont know the rest, something about a mouse. I wish it was Christmas, it would be over if it were Christmas.
Today was another hospital, poke, prod day. Started with the ECG - remove all the clothes from your upper body and lie down there while I cover your entire chest in this gel and then rub this ultrasound thing all over you. In between boob, under boob, side boob, let me know if I'm hurting you. Are you kidding? After some of the other tests this is like a boob massage :) All quick and painless and revealed a perfectly functioning ticker.
Had an email (??!!) from my liaison nurse to tell me I am hepatitis and HIV free, always nice to know.
Fertility tests came next (so they have something to compare it to at the end to measure the effect chemo has had on my fertility). Since they couldn't talk to me about egg freezing as I don't have that option, the counsellor decided to spend the hour on my feelings. How do I feel about starting chemo (how do you think I feel, couldn't think of a better way to spend a Tuesday), how would I feel if I were left infertile (I think the answers to these questions are more than obvious) , do I think I'm in denial about my disease (nope, just dont want to keep talking about it), am I trying to be strong for others (nope, I'm just not one to panic), do I need to cry (if this continues, yes, I think I'll cry) do I think Nick will leave me as a result of my cancer (WHAT? If I thought that I don't think I'd like him very much now would I?), am I scared he'd leave leave me if I were left infertile (well NOW I am!!). She was very nice, I just don't think I'm one to be counselled. I'm sure some people would find it very helpful, it's just not for me.
So how DO I feel about starting chemo tomorrow? Emmmmm, undecided. I'm trying not to think about it. The more I think the more horrible it seems. The best thing to do is try to forget the poison, the body devastation, and alter my mindset to think of it as medicine. Poisoning medicine. NO. JUST MEDICINE. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
Chemo positives: My neck will go back to it's normal size. I will stop coughing. The night fevers will stop. I will lose the fear of the unknown and finally know how it feels. I will be one step closer to the end. OK that's all I got. It's enough though right? LETS GO!!
Today was another hospital, poke, prod day. Started with the ECG - remove all the clothes from your upper body and lie down there while I cover your entire chest in this gel and then rub this ultrasound thing all over you. In between boob, under boob, side boob, let me know if I'm hurting you. Are you kidding? After some of the other tests this is like a boob massage :) All quick and painless and revealed a perfectly functioning ticker.
Had an email (??!!) from my liaison nurse to tell me I am hepatitis and HIV free, always nice to know.
Fertility tests came next (so they have something to compare it to at the end to measure the effect chemo has had on my fertility). Since they couldn't talk to me about egg freezing as I don't have that option, the counsellor decided to spend the hour on my feelings. How do I feel about starting chemo (how do you think I feel, couldn't think of a better way to spend a Tuesday), how would I feel if I were left infertile (I think the answers to these questions are more than obvious) , do I think I'm in denial about my disease (nope, just dont want to keep talking about it), am I trying to be strong for others (nope, I'm just not one to panic), do I need to cry (if this continues, yes, I think I'll cry) do I think Nick will leave me as a result of my cancer (WHAT? If I thought that I don't think I'd like him very much now would I?), am I scared he'd leave leave me if I were left infertile (well NOW I am!!). She was very nice, I just don't think I'm one to be counselled. I'm sure some people would find it very helpful, it's just not for me.
So how DO I feel about starting chemo tomorrow? Emmmmm, undecided. I'm trying not to think about it. The more I think the more horrible it seems. The best thing to do is try to forget the poison, the body devastation, and alter my mindset to think of it as medicine. Poisoning medicine. NO. JUST MEDICINE. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
Chemo positives: My neck will go back to it's normal size. I will stop coughing. The night fevers will stop. I will lose the fear of the unknown and finally know how it feels. I will be one step closer to the end. OK that's all I got. It's enough though right? LETS GO!!
I can't think of anyone stronger, Sona!!! Big love from down under, thinking of you lots today XXX
ReplyDeleteOne step closer to the end.. Best of luck, ur in my thoughts xxx
ReplyDeleteSona your blog is brilliant, you manage to find the funny in every situation and its so inspiring. Everyone is incredibly proud of you xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteI dont know you......but want you to know I felt the exact same emotions...........12 years ago. it will be tough but it will be christmas before you know it.
ReplyDelete