Alter egos

Yesterday I met a good friend for lunch. She was the first person (apart from Nick) that I told what was going on in my month pre-diagnosis and has been the person, outside family, that I have seen the most often during the last 5 months (WOW, I first went to hospital 5 months ago. Time flies when you're having fun!). She always says how good I look when I see her. Yesterday I came armed with a picture of myself, no make up, no wig. Basically, in the state that only poor Nick is subjected to. She couldn't hide the shock from her face. It didn't look like me, she said. And she's right, it didn't. In my head, I look like me. I have big bright eyes, long thick eyelashes, sallow clear skin, thick strong eyebrows, big curly hair. The reality is different. I am unrecognisable.

Over the weekend, half of my right eyebrow came off. Just came off. Not both eyebrows, not the WHOLE eyebrow. Just half of the right eyebrow. So, I was faced with a dilemma that has probably faced most eyebrow pluckers out there - do I do the other one and 'even them out' ??? I decided to go for it. I have now got ultra cool 90's teen eyebrows. I have discovered I have a talent in eyebrow make up though. My right eyelashes are also mostly gone. Left are hanging in. I'm definitely not planning on even-ing THOSE out though. I am facing water retention issues. My hands and wrists look like blowfish. My shoes are too tight. My face is pale and blotchy. I have dark circles under my eyes and, in another new development of the weekend, purple eyelids. So, full blown black eyes. I swear, you want to become a make up pro? Get cancer.

BUT if you see me, you'd think wow, she looks heavier but generally healthy and like herself. Thank god for make up and fake hair.

Similarly, next week I get my last treatment. I am outwardly (and to some extent inwardly) delighted. However, my mind is constant turmoil - will this be enough treatment? will it come back? is it already back? Doesn't help that I got a phone call yesterday asking me to come in on Friday to meet with the big boss haematologist guy, on Friday - a day that he doesn't usually see patients in my hospital, as he had phoned the secretary and asked her to get me in this week. I was due to see him in 2 weeks anyway. Why the urgency? Cancer brain, the brain of the newly hypochondria-affected, is a horrible affliction. Good thing I have alter egos to cover it up so people can't see how crazy I really am.

In spite of all this, this is a good week. I feel good. I'm seeing friends, going out, walking Louie (we had a day of fun yesterday). What I love most is that this will be the last 'good Tuesday'. From now on it will one more 'bad Tuesday' and then just 'Tuesday'. Nice.