The end of chemo (for now)

I am always too scared to say that I have 'finished' chemo, or that this is over, like it would be tempting fate to say (type) that. So, I'll say that THIS round of treatment, for now, fingers and toes crossed, is done. DONE DONE DONE :) It's been 4 days since the last 4 bags of poison were dripped into my poor veins. It was the worst dose yet. I was so sick, no amount of anti-sickness pills could get it under control. It was 'swallow a pill and a mouthful of water and immediately up comes the pill and the mouthful of water' sick. Horrible. Nick says I had to go out with a bang, like the grand finale of a fireworks display. I say it's more like chemo saying 'right, if this is going to be the last time I get you I'm going to make it count'. Whatever it was, it was unpleasant. It will also probably leave me with a skewed memory of chemo. Not that I would have remembered it as NICE, just not AS bad as that last one was. Then again, I'm convinced women are born with an innate ability to forget how bad things actually are. This is why we have more than one baby and why I have agreed to travel to Peru and do the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu AGAIN with Nick. If we didn't have the ability to block out the extent of pain and suffering associated with these decisions, we would surely never agree to voluntarily go through them again?

So my next scan will be on November 1st. If it's clean, I get 3 months off hospitals until the next check up. If it's not I get 3 months of a higher dose chemo and a stem cell transplant. There are no words to describe how much I want it to be clean. In the meantime, I have nothing to do but sit around and wait, trying not to think about it. Oh and go on holidays. HOLIDAYS!!

My shopping list for this holiday has been quite bizarre. One piece swimsuits to cover blood thinner injection bruises and my extra huge belly, a shorter wig, a big floppy hat, flat shoes (heels make my calves cramp up...who knows what that's about), SPF 50 suncream, a large supply of medications and 5 stretchy maxi dresses since none of my other clothes fit me. Good times. Couldn't care less though, I'll happy sit by the pool looking bloated and bald with a big smile on my face. Like a big, grinning humpty dumpty. Poor Nick.

Maybe it's because today is the first day I feel even slightly 'normal' or even human, or maybe it's because it hasn't quite sunk in yet that I don't have to go there anymore, but I don't feel that incredible elation at being 'finished'. However, next Tuesday, when I'm on the beach instead of in the chemo ward, I'm pretty sure how I'll be feeling.

Onwards and upwards, it's all just recovery from now on...... :)