They weren't lying - the effects of chemo are definitely cumulative. It's now chemo Sunday. A day where traditionally I would have been back to 100%. Not last time. Or this time. I woke up in pain, all over, my jaw, my shoulders, my face (who knew you're face could hurt for no reason?), my legs, arms, urgh. I got up at 1pm, went for lunch, to my amazing sisters latest stage spectacular and was back in bed by 630. Weak.
I've found accepting this new 'half' me really tough. Cancer is always synonymous with imagery of battles, warriors, strength. They make you think that if you're lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and your aching body that you are somehow losing. Letting the cancer win. You start to feel like if you take those extra few hours sleep that you so clearly need and then hang about in bed for an hour after you wake up that you have lost your fighting attitude and you actually start to feel guilty. Like you're being a pushover, letting it get you and thus letting it win. Then, you start to feel guilty just for feeling sorry for yourself. Like you're being ungrateful for the fact that you're still even alive when so many aren't and cancer does nothing if not make you grateful right? Or guilty for moaning about the bad days rather than being thankful for the good. Guilty for letting those around you, who are already worried sick, see that it's beating you into submission, worrying them further. Guilty for those who have to pick up your slack.
I get how crazy this is, I know you're reading this thinking that I must be mad to think that anyone would blame me for taking a few extra hours sleep and not pulling my weight in terms of dog walking duties but for some reason it's there. Nagging me, shut up, get up and keep going. I'm starting to think that this unreasonable guilt may be what keeps people going. Whatever it takes. I have seven days until my last chemo. Sixteen until my holiday. Whatever gets me there!
I've found accepting this new 'half' me really tough. Cancer is always synonymous with imagery of battles, warriors, strength. They make you think that if you're lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and your aching body that you are somehow losing. Letting the cancer win. You start to feel like if you take those extra few hours sleep that you so clearly need and then hang about in bed for an hour after you wake up that you have lost your fighting attitude and you actually start to feel guilty. Like you're being a pushover, letting it get you and thus letting it win. Then, you start to feel guilty just for feeling sorry for yourself. Like you're being ungrateful for the fact that you're still even alive when so many aren't and cancer does nothing if not make you grateful right? Or guilty for moaning about the bad days rather than being thankful for the good. Guilty for letting those around you, who are already worried sick, see that it's beating you into submission, worrying them further. Guilty for those who have to pick up your slack.
I get how crazy this is, I know you're reading this thinking that I must be mad to think that anyone would blame me for taking a few extra hours sleep and not pulling my weight in terms of dog walking duties but for some reason it's there. Nagging me, shut up, get up and keep going. I'm starting to think that this unreasonable guilt may be what keeps people going. Whatever it takes. I have seven days until my last chemo. Sixteen until my holiday. Whatever gets me there!
Such an insightful post. Maybe the unsubstantiated positive-attitude-affects-outcome bs and the guilt trips we feed ourselves are helpful if they push us to keep on keeping on. You only have one more, beautiful. There's light at the end of the tunnel!
ReplyDeleteI FEEL THAT EVERY TIME
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