I've just come on the laptop (as opposed to iphone) for the first time in a week and see that the two blog posts I've done on the phone since chemo #9 are not here....mysterious blog thief? Weird.
Anyway, there was nothing too exciting. If I remember correctly I wrote a post about old friends. This stems from the fact that during my last chemo session, a girl I was in school with and haven't seen in 10 years popped in with a card from her and some equally long lost school friends. Amazing to know they've been thinking of me and that she took the time to call into my treatment room! Unfortunately I was beyond out of it on drugs at the time and am fairly sure I made very little sense and was probably dribbling at the time, nonetheless, it was very much appreciated.
I also wrote a post about bouncing back. I seem to be bouncing back faster now, and feeling better on the good weeks than I was for the first 3 months of treatment (can't really believe I'm in my 5th month now. Time, she flies). I can't figure out why. I have a few theories.
1. Chemo is no longer working, I'm becoming immune. This one is far from likely. As far as I know. Can you get immune to chemo??!!!
2. I was feeling so awful because of my disease and not solely the chemo. So, now that my disease is gone (see how I've decided that it's gone with absolutely no evidence? That's positive thinking) I'm generally feeling better and healthier.
3. I've gotten so used to feeling completely utterly awful that when I feel 50% I think its 100% because I've forgotten what actual 100% feels like.
4. I've learned how to manage the symptoms so well that the worst of the side effects no longer get to that 'out of control' stage that makes me miserable.
Whatever the reason, I'm not complaining.
There have been some other developments symptom-wise. Firstly, I have almost lost feeling in the last 2 fingers in my left hand. I thought it was coming back last week but it has plateaued and I don't think it's ever coming back. Not until I'm far out of chemo anyway. I have also officially entered 'chemo induced menopause'. This, I'm hoping is not permanent. For the majority of people doing my treatment at my age, they will go back to normal a few months out of chemo.
Otherwise, I'm doing awesome. There are full hours where I don't even think about cancer, chemo, tumors, hair, nausea, hospitals. How crazy is it that I've obviously gotten so used to this life that it doesn't even register with me as noteworthy anymore?! My 2 weekly schedule has become one day chemo and indescribable horribleness, two days of minimal horribleness with extreme tiredness, 10 days almost normality with moderate tiredness. I live as normal the vast majority of the time which I would have never expected. Especially not after so many months of chemo, whatever about for the first month or so. I figured I would have taken such a beating that at this point I'd be bed bound! Nope, still kicking. Maybe just a little slower than before.
That said, I'm very much tired of it now. It's going on a really really really really long time. I want to get this PICC line taken from my arm. I want to be able to stop organising my life in 2 week chunks. I want to stop going to the hospital. I REALLY want my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes back. This day 5 weeks will, all going well, be my last chemo. Tomorrow 6 weeks, all going well, I'll be hopping on a plane to Greece. This time cannot possibly pass fast enough. Sigh.
Anyway, there was nothing too exciting. If I remember correctly I wrote a post about old friends. This stems from the fact that during my last chemo session, a girl I was in school with and haven't seen in 10 years popped in with a card from her and some equally long lost school friends. Amazing to know they've been thinking of me and that she took the time to call into my treatment room! Unfortunately I was beyond out of it on drugs at the time and am fairly sure I made very little sense and was probably dribbling at the time, nonetheless, it was very much appreciated.
I also wrote a post about bouncing back. I seem to be bouncing back faster now, and feeling better on the good weeks than I was for the first 3 months of treatment (can't really believe I'm in my 5th month now. Time, she flies). I can't figure out why. I have a few theories.
1. Chemo is no longer working, I'm becoming immune. This one is far from likely. As far as I know. Can you get immune to chemo??!!!
2. I was feeling so awful because of my disease and not solely the chemo. So, now that my disease is gone (see how I've decided that it's gone with absolutely no evidence? That's positive thinking) I'm generally feeling better and healthier.
3. I've gotten so used to feeling completely utterly awful that when I feel 50% I think its 100% because I've forgotten what actual 100% feels like.
4. I've learned how to manage the symptoms so well that the worst of the side effects no longer get to that 'out of control' stage that makes me miserable.
Whatever the reason, I'm not complaining.
There have been some other developments symptom-wise. Firstly, I have almost lost feeling in the last 2 fingers in my left hand. I thought it was coming back last week but it has plateaued and I don't think it's ever coming back. Not until I'm far out of chemo anyway. I have also officially entered 'chemo induced menopause'. This, I'm hoping is not permanent. For the majority of people doing my treatment at my age, they will go back to normal a few months out of chemo.
Otherwise, I'm doing awesome. There are full hours where I don't even think about cancer, chemo, tumors, hair, nausea, hospitals. How crazy is it that I've obviously gotten so used to this life that it doesn't even register with me as noteworthy anymore?! My 2 weekly schedule has become one day chemo and indescribable horribleness, two days of minimal horribleness with extreme tiredness, 10 days almost normality with moderate tiredness. I live as normal the vast majority of the time which I would have never expected. Especially not after so many months of chemo, whatever about for the first month or so. I figured I would have taken such a beating that at this point I'd be bed bound! Nope, still kicking. Maybe just a little slower than before.
That said, I'm very much tired of it now. It's going on a really really really really long time. I want to get this PICC line taken from my arm. I want to be able to stop organising my life in 2 week chunks. I want to stop going to the hospital. I REALLY want my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes back. This day 5 weeks will, all going well, be my last chemo. Tomorrow 6 weeks, all going well, I'll be hopping on a plane to Greece. This time cannot possibly pass fast enough. Sigh.
Sona great to feel you such amazing vibes from you,thank God the end of horrible chemo is near,greece will be amazing.love liz
ReplyDeleteSona, I know what you feel the night before the chemo, you loose sleep and your mind goes places that you've never been, but always think that THIS WILL PASS for sure, just dream of the good times you had and will have in a short period of time, like you said time flies.We all love you and thinking about you aaaaaaalot,xoxo Maro
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