Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Insecurity

We all have insecurities. Will I lose my job, will my mortgage interest rate go up so high that I won't be able to afford the repayments, will my partner leave me, will my friends like my new dress, will that person I haven't seen in 2 years think I look old/fat/tired? But nothing can compare to the insecurity a cancer patient, even one in remission, feels.

Will it go away? Will it come back? Is it already back? Will I die? If this scan is OK will I have enough time before my next one to get my wedding and honeymoon done and what are my chances of relapse in between? (My current dilemma). These insecurities are so powerful, so overwhelming, and yet so surreal, that at times they can take over your mind completely. Now is one of those times.

Yesterday I did my one year post treatment scan. Today I did absolutely nothing productive. Tomorrow I get the results. Somewhere, in some parallel universe they inflict this on people as a form of mental torture. Here, it's just a day in the life of someone who has been blessed with the big C. At least I couldn't care less if I look fat anymore.

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