5 words

If someone told you that you could choose 5 words to be written in a letter to you and that no matter what they were they would be true what would you choose? You have won the lotto? Here is a pay rise? Here is a new puppy/phone/TV/ car/mansion? Hands down, no contest, if I had been asked this question at any point over the last 18 months these are the words I would have asked for:

And, because I'm an incredibly lucky person, or because people have been wishing it for me with all their might, or because I had a super medical team from start to finish, or because I went through a year and a half of grueling treatments , or because drug companies want to make money and so they research diseases and the best drugs for them, or whatever reason it can be attributed to, today I read those words.

I've done scans before, I've seen those words before but for some reason this time feels different. It's time to really leave it all behind now. If I could just figure out how.....

Onwards and upwards hodge blog readers. I know from views and emails I've received that fellow hodgers are still reading these posts. You'll get there in the end and when you do, life is great.

Insecurity

We all have insecurities. Will I lose my job, will my mortgage interest rate go up so high that I won't be able to afford the repayments, will my partner leave me, will my friends like my new dress, will that person I haven't seen in 2 years think I look old/fat/tired? But nothing can compare to the insecurity a cancer patient, even one in remission, feels.

Will it go away? Will it come back? Is it already back? Will I die? If this scan is OK will I have enough time before my next one to get my wedding and honeymoon done and what are my chances of relapse in between? (My current dilemma). These insecurities are so powerful, so overwhelming, and yet so surreal, that at times they can take over your mind completely. Now is one of those times.

Yesterday I did my one year post treatment scan. Today I did absolutely nothing productive. Tomorrow I get the results. Somewhere, in some parallel universe they inflict this on people as a form of mental torture. Here, it's just a day in the life of someone who has been blessed with the big C. At least I couldn't care less if I look fat anymore.